John was a Hobbit space marine, on a mission to planet Cena to contain a sentient vibrator uprising, on her way John met Mary the Ewok, King of Nigeria, together they team up to fight the evil vibrating menace, being joined by Senator Bush and his band of delinquent Clintons.

Traveling far and wide across the galaxy they reach the crystal nexus of the ancient quasar galaxy of goblins and trolls, they fought the demons hard, but demons were strong, and their leader had a nuke aimed to the empire state so Snake Plissken killed the demons.

Then decided it was time for a solid plot rather than the blabberings of a dumb teenedger that was mashing memes together, thus John and Mary became humans and the universe reset itself.

John became the son of a successful chef, Gandalf Joestar, thus John was called JoJo, JoJo met his bastard brother Ramsay Joestar, Ramsay and JoJo became enemies in the eyes of others, but in secrecy they liked to have passionate sudoku sessions in the toaster.

John met Alice Lidell McPendleton, Lidell likes JoJo because he’s nice and knightly, and he’s also fast af boy, but then Ramsay tries to kiss Alice to piss Johny off, Alice stabs him in the nose with a squirrel and Ramsay dies to Alice’s Stand: The.

John and Alice lived happily ever after, until they met a strange woman named Mary with connections to John, she attacks John and Alice with her stand, The Nutshack Theme, but John fends its vicious claws with his newfound stand: Fiesta Gay, Mary surrenders and informs John that he was the true successor of the dragon throne in the ancient martian kingdom, thus they form the Joestar group and travel through earth defeating stand users for no reason and breaking copyright laws, touching intellectual properties such as Coca-Cola, World Wrestling Entertainment, Bad Dragon and Alien™ Vs Michael Jackson™.

Thus they found the real dark mastermind behind the usurping of the dragon throne, RAMSAY, John’s deceased brother, was resurrected by ISIS and converted into a gargantuan death machine capable of firing nuclear missiles while remaining mobile, John and RAMSAY fought one last time, just as RAMSAY was about to launch a missile Alice used The to create an EMP wave that disables RAMSAY for a few seconds, during which John’s Fiesta Gay is stabbed with the stand-creating arrow to create Fiesta Gay Requiem, a stand with a consciousness of its own capable of splitting and reconnecting time together, which he uses to remove RAMSAY from history, destroying cosmic balance and causing a black hole to form on the center of the universe.


John Rice waited, the lights above him blinked and sparked, there were aliens in the jungle, he did not see them now, but he knew they were there, when he was a kid he used to say to papa John Joestar “I want to be in the jungles dad!” but Papa John’s said “NO, YOU WILL BE KILL BY RAMSAY”, for a time he believed him, but as he got elder he stop.

Suddenly the radio crackered “John, I know we’re in the same chopper, but I must tell you by radio that you must proceed your mission of killing the aliens”, John planted a C4 on the chopper and jumped down to the jungle below, crushing an alien under his gigantic butt.

“HE GONNA KILL USE!” said the aliens, but John shot him. “DON’T WORRY GUYS I AM STRONGED” said the Quake Shambler, but as he was in another dimension he could not do anything, and John killed him with the stand “Darude Sandstorm”, which could jump through dimensions and was also faster than Sonic the Hedgehog.

Then John found the red key card and went through a labyrinth to find the locked door, he blasted the door with his gun and prepared to face the mastermind of the invasion, the remains of RAMSAY fused with the body of an ancient alien god, now known as the BLACK DUCK.

BLACK DUCK was a strong forehead, but John Rice knew what to do, he shooted at BLACK DUCK and made him SUCK a waterfall but then the DUCK threw bread back at John and he had to DUCK, creating yet another paradox and destroying the universe, but John, Alice, John, Mary and Arnold Schwarzenegger survived to create a new universe.

Then they were attacked by ancient Lovecraftian vampiric beings that sent their victims through an infinite death loop, and there was nothing they could do, and thus John was told by Shiogh Naghschlrop:

“No John, you are the Ramsay”.

And John was a Hobbit.


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